On good days I pretend to myself that I was sent an autistic family (partner and children, 2 out of 5, so far…) to challenge me, that I am some kind of “empowered being” that someone out there or up there or where bloody ever, thought I could cope and should do so… and I do cope, but somedays that is all I do.

On bad days well anything and everything goes, emotion wise. I would happily choose at times to sit and silently scream and i have been known to wander off alone to a quiet field and actually loudly scream , and sob and think whoever the twat was that decided i needed this type of stress should be shot.

There is always lots of talk on social media these days about autism, but I don’t feel I ever see the true nit grit shit of it from a parents perspective. I have never seen it from a partners perspective who is in my kind of shoes either ( significant other diagnosed at 35 after us being together 15 years)

I am not one to subscribe to the “see it all as an optimist” kind of thing. If its shit, and its going to get shitter, then i will see it, will say it and will shout loudly about just how shit it is right at that moment. I’ve tried being an optimist, it just doesn’t work for me…

I do get the funny times, the literal sense of humour i see within my asd family sometimes has me crying tears of laughter, but the tears i cry of sadness do outweigh those times, most of the time.

I spent alot of my childhood, stoic, holding everything in emotionally (had too, more to come on that front!) so for me this new coming of age crying and letting out the pain of living with autism, has been a tough road so far.

And that is what it is a tough, tough road. That is definitely not all about my kids “special talents” or my partners “amazing lorry knowledge” . This is for all of us who feel like running up that hill and screaming… circa kate bush. running_up_that_hill_video

Today Autism is meh to be frank, tomorrow it may well be awesome………..