Over the weekend I have found myself sinking into what i can only describe as a bottomless pit.
I spend every night alone, with no adult company so that my aspie other half can fulfil his desires work wise (there was never any consultation either about this night driving, I was just expected to go along with his decision, and i did, facilitating his needs so that he was happy…)
Saturday evening, I had in mind to sit and watch a film together. He went to bed instead, so i sat, alone again, drank far too much and got pissed off with people i shouldn’t have. I feel i am almost turning into that child that craves any attention, whether it is good or bad or indifferent, and that worries and saddens me even more.
How am I ever going to self manage these emotions, will i ever just live with the fact that my other half does not see my need for the odd night out just us, that i need occasionally to be told without prompting that i do a great job, that im respected. His diagnosis two years ago, I thought would be a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel, in reality it has not really helped, infact it has probably made my emotionality worse with regards to now there is no point hoping for certain things to be different, as they just wont ever be. Dont get me wrong, i will say “i would love a night out say once a month” and he will go “yeah thats a good idea” but wont arrange anything…
Should I just be happy that he takes the kids to school a few times a week, that he is obsessively tidy and that he works hard? Do not get me wrong i appreciate those things and always show him i am grateful for what he does to practically help out. But, what about what i need? I feel our relationship is massively one way.
When we met I was closed off to being emotional in any way shape or form due to a horrible childhood, i had therapy and reversed all that, and that opened my eyes to how my other half is. Since his diagnosis i have asked him to do a little research on ASD, if not only for himself but also for his children. He, to date has not done that, and if i push in any way shape or form, he gets irate. Nearly 11 years i have now spent every week night alone, and come the weekend its got to the point i just get on with it, but that is not how it should be. I also feel whilst this massively bothers me, his actions tend to show he doesn’t really care about that (i like to think that isnt true though) my therapist told me that couples who do not go to bed together on a regular basis will struggle to survive.
I put myself out, do plenty that i would really choose not to, i don’t think it’s too much to ask back for me to be recognised.
I see lots or aspies online that function really well, accept their diagnosis and run with it, I see them doing things that my other half does not, so i know the capabilities and the possibilities are there..
I wonder how the future will hold for our non NT kids, they are going to have to meet someone who is fully aware of what they will and wont get emotionally from them, although I hope, through my loving patience and acceptance of ASD, these will be to a much lesser extent than my other half. I do wonder if because i have “carried” him for so long, he expects that now, asking me a million questions when he is here, almost like he cannot make any single decision for himself, it is extremely hard having to be someones brain for them along with parenting five children.
I was prepared to carry the emotional side of the kids issues, researched ASD enough to understand that I would have to take on that role and that it would rarely be a shared parental role. The massive issue with that is, i am carrying around all of this and having to cope with it without anyone to lean on. Well not anyone, but the one person in your life you should be able to lean on, i don’t have that available to me in the context most would need it, or expect it. What i really want to see and wonder if i ever will, is actually shown appreciation of the roles i have had to take on and the things i have had to let go of, for our relationship to survive…. When you are doing all that and dont seem to get much of an equal thing back, it’s a very hard pressurised life to live…
my head whirrs with thoughts “am i asking too much of him” “should i bother asking xy or z from him”… He sometimes makes me feel like anything i ask of him that is out of his comfort zone, is utterly ridiculous and why would i even expect that of him.
Bottom line is somewhere inside me is still the love i first had for him, yet somedays the resentment overwhelms me and i wonder if i would be better off properly alone, that saddens me more than any of the above….