The possessed potato

My "so" called life

Trust — March 30, 2016

Trust

Following on from the last blog of mine… Down, trodden on, sad…… (I am)

This weekend my 30 something late diagnosed man, offered to take me out.

My first thoughts, “why” “has he seen the blog” “has someone told him”.

See i do not trust the man i live with, after toasterfiregate, itwillbeyourfaulticrashedthelorrygate and many more , i have zero trust for the man i love and share my children with. I HATE that the trust is not there, what i hate more is the fact i am supposed to continue to summon up trust at will, for when Aspie man hurts me. I trust him not to cheat on me, some would say that is all it takes. I say it isnt, when you entrust your child to your own partner/husband/signficant other, you should not worry anymore than is the “norm”.

Here is a social story for you i put to him, when someone comes up and punches you in the face, says sorry they wont do it again, you forgive them, then they do it again, you forgive them, those are my emotions you are punching and it kills me inside all the time. That is my life with adult autism.

My own mother betrayed the ultimate trust. Yet i still went back for more hurt, year after year. Therapy stopped that for me at 28 years of age. I have been diagnosed with depression, will therapy show me i need to stop this relationship with my ASD partner of many many years and five babies……. I already have anxiety thanks to toastergate alongside other things.

Autism is not scary to the Autistic in my house, my children on the spectrum are loved and cared for and nurtured by a devoted mom, their dad is carried by me. Who carries me?? I am not a heartless fucker, never will be. This is about me being real about the true life of someone living with a late diagnosed man. Its fucking tough.

What i would love to write is we had a lovely time (we actually did have a lovely chinese, out of the house for under two hours, i came home and boobed baby back to sleep, he snored) yet i find myself so angry with him, for all he hasnt done, that i could not really enjoy the time away, and that to me is perfectly natural, yet to him, well it would be like saying sausage dogs love eggs for breakfast……

Not really sure if autism is meh or awesome right now. blog

 

Sinking… — March 21, 2016

Sinking…

Over the weekend I have found myself sinking into what i can only describe as a bottomless pit.

I spend every night alone, with no adult company so that my aspie other half can fulfil his desires work wise (there was never any consultation either about this night driving, I was just expected to go along with his decision, and i did, facilitating his needs so that he was happy…)

Saturday evening, I had in mind to sit and watch a film together.  He went to bed instead, so i sat, alone again, drank far too much and got pissed off with people i shouldn’t have.  I feel i am almost turning into that child that craves any attention, whether it is good or bad or indifferent, and that worries and saddens me even more.

How am I ever going to self manage these emotions, will i ever just live with the fact that my other half does not see my need for the odd night out just us, that i need occasionally to be told without prompting that i do a great job, that im respected. His diagnosis two years ago, I thought would be a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel, in reality it has not really helped, infact it has probably made my emotionality worse with regards to now there is no point hoping for certain things to be different, as they just wont ever be. Dont get me wrong, i will say “i would love a night out say once a month” and he will go “yeah thats a good idea” but wont arrange anything…

Should I just be happy that he takes the kids to school a few times a week, that he is obsessively tidy and that he works hard? Do not get me wrong i appreciate those things and always show him i am grateful for what he does to practically help out. But, what about what i need? I feel our relationship is massively one way.

When we met I was closed off to being emotional in any way shape or form due to a horrible childhood, i had therapy and reversed all that, and that opened my eyes to how my other half is.  Since his diagnosis i have asked him to do a little research on ASD, if not only for himself but also for his children. He, to date has not done that, and if i push in any way shape or form, he gets irate.  Nearly 11 years i have now spent every week night alone, and come the weekend its got to the point i just get on with it, but that is not how it should be. I also feel whilst this massively bothers me, his actions tend to show he doesn’t really care about that (i like to think that isnt true though) my therapist told me that couples who do not go to bed together on a regular basis will struggle to survive.

I put myself out, do plenty that i would really choose not to, i don’t think it’s too much to ask back for me to be recognised.

I see lots or aspies online that function really well, accept their diagnosis and run with it, I see them doing things that my other half does not, so i know the capabilities and the possibilities are there..

I wonder how the future will hold for our non NT kids, they are going to have to meet someone who is fully aware of what they will and wont get emotionally from them, although I hope, through my loving patience and acceptance of ASD, these will be to a much lesser extent than my other half. I do wonder if because i have “carried” him for so long, he expects that now, asking me a million questions when he is here, almost like he cannot make any single decision for himself, it is extremely hard having to be someones brain for them along with parenting five children.

I was prepared to carry the emotional side of the kids issues, researched ASD enough to understand that I would have to take on that role and that it would rarely be a shared parental role.  The massive issue with that is, i am carrying around all of this and having to cope with it without anyone to lean on. Well not anyone, but the one person in your life you should be able to lean on, i don’t have that available to me in the context most would need it, or expect it. What i really want to see and wonder if i ever will, is actually shown appreciation of the roles i have had to take on and the things i have had to let go of, for our relationship to survive…. When you are doing all that and dont seem to get much of an equal thing back, it’s a very hard pressurised life to live…

my head whirrs with thoughts “am i asking too much of him” “should i bother asking xy or z from him”… He sometimes makes me feel like anything i ask of him that is out of his comfort zone, is utterly ridiculous and why would i even expect that of him.

Bottom line is somewhere inside me is still the love i first had for him, yet somedays the resentment overwhelms me and i wonder if i would be better off properly alone, that saddens me more than any of the above….

What is Autism?! — March 17, 2016

What is Autism?!

Autism is shit if you dont have it, you may want to have it, or even end up acting like you have it because the people around you create feelings in you (feelings………… nothing more than feelings…………)  that confuse the fuck out of your NT mind. I have millions of feelings that have never been substantiated by the man i live with.

Secure couples and singles with an ASD child, never really post what i believe is the truth. Infact no one does.

I post the truth, its shit, it gets shitter, sometimes it gets a little brighter but generally it is shit.

He can help himself , he just does not want to. Our 9 year old daughter has better insight into who she is than him. That is understandable,i am her mom, love her, help her not just be a cunt and blame everyone else for her problems. his reaction is not.

The man i live with, the man that cleaned a saucepan cupboard out after i had just had a baby, can learn social cues, well, could have. He only thinks that is “acceptable” because i have let him. His family let him down massively. Blamed me. Easier that way #foibles

I laugh, i make jokes about it, as that is the only way i can cope. I need to be loved by more than my children.

My last homebirth, i was so panicked he wouldnt remember to lock the front door , at 10cm dilated i am telling the midwives to remind him…. no drugs, 10cm and my worry is for him. I get nothing back from him emotionally. He falls asleep, because he is tired.

I have never told anybody that he wasn’t in the room when little person was born, i felt embarrassed and sad that his priority wasn’t me. So for my little person to say da da first kind of broke me a little bit more.

So. Thats it.  Today autism is shit.

This Is Me — March 15, 2016

This Is Me

I am actually so fucking pissed off today , this blog is about me and all the ass holes that live in my town, that know fuck all, that treat me like shit (because I let them!)

When I am pregnant, I am happy, that is me at my best. Some people do not deserve to even spawn… When i am breastfeeding that’s a whole other story! Today, my homebirth love was tested.

Dont ever test that. If I am coming to you with love, however it comes and you say bad things to me, I will not forgive you (again) .I spend my life forgiving and forgetting for the people I love, the people around me.

To the person that “dissed me fam” as my daughter would say. Go fuck yourself, I say.

Let me tell you this fuckwits of my town, the only reason my man still lives here, and i can not get him out is because he has aspergers. He has a reason, a genuine reason to still be in this poxy town full of people that think their life revolves around everyone elses issues!! I personally have never gone in for “gossip”, that is probably why i do not fit in here… and probably why on some levels me and my aspie partner have been together so long, as he is just the same.

I am not like the usual suspects. I speak my mind, tell the truth. The last two days have shown me that people are just c==ts……

I would love to say i will never be nice again to someone that has hurt me, but I cant do that. I am nice, lovely, caring, compassionate, and lots of things that I dont get told alot by the auties in my house, so i have to remind myself.

Trouble is some believe that hiding from their “truth” is easier than facing their foibles.. I accept all of mine, own them and have tried to deal with every single one. I have been through every abuse going, had major therapy , that I had to deal with c==ts taking the piss out off, or bringing up in every random argument my “tv debut”, showing my “failing” I know i havent failed, thats why i try. i really wish i didnt some days as today for me, im broken a little bit more, and i am not sure how much more there is to break.

One thing i will say as a positive of living and learning through autism in my family, has made me thicker skinned than i used to be, things may temporarily break me, i may come across at times as uber sensitive, but i am a survivor in many senses of the word.

Today, well its been shit.

Love. HUH, what is it good for — March 11, 2016

Love. HUH, what is it good for

That song reminds me of my memories as a child (no i wasn’t in a war zone i was a model for a VE victory day, sang and all that shizzle)

This morning felt like a warzone in my head, trying to either switch off my thoughts or talk to my aspie partner about the fact he hadn’t recognised my achievements breastfeeding wise……. or anything else for that matter.

I broke free and listened to myself, inside my head (i am not bipolar, but have a typical shirley valentine “talk to the wall” kind of life (thanks nan for that film, i utilise its analogies so much.)

Living with an adult male who was diagnosed later in life (because of me, I am sure his parents are still convinced i am the devil) is really tough. shit. horrible.. he makes up for it with his practicality which i am greatful for, but sometimes i just long for a cuddle without prompting, or to be acknowledged for who i am.

Tonight i saw the first proper cuddle between the two ASD people in our house. Its not enough, but i saw it happen. so it can happen. It wasn’t beautiful, it was just a realisation. She is 9 years old , nearly 10. Has the issues the same as he has, but that man wont recognise me and all i have done, that is a toughy to live with most of the time.

 

Living with autism is awesome, tomorrow it may well be meh

Teeth, Birthdays and Boobs — March 9, 2016

Teeth, Birthdays and Boobs

Today, well what can i say, our littlest persons 1st birthday, i reminisced at 5am, posted on fb at 6am with flashback pics of a fabulous homebirth and a tiny squidge, by 9am i was a crying wreck in the outhouse of our home.

toothbrush-clipart-black-and-white-purple-toothbrush-hi

8am i call the others “time to get up for school” (the Tasmanian devil aka as the 2 year old was already up at this point, suspect he has his fathers genetics but alot of mine too so i am hoping he grows up to be some kind of half hearted genius).

The “asd” possibly with “pda” child ignored the call, her aspie father commented he thought it would be tricky to get her up today?! was he actually visualising a scene or had he just seen me rant about it that much he got it for once…. either way the morning ensued as he had predicted.

“go brush your teeth love” stands with muted silence, my darling ASD daughter only got out of bed coerced with brotherly birthday love on my part. getting dressed is now not the issue (i have learned ways to deal with ASD on that front) , personal hygiene on the other hand well, both hands need washing and she wants to wash neither, or her teeth or wear deodorant or generally from an NT kind of persons stance “give a shit about being clean” no amount of reward charts, positive reinforcement, and even “kids will bloody bully you if you’re breath stinks” works……

My beautiful daughter , this morning fell into that zone of being a mute wreck. Not ONE person teaches you how to deal with this, not one. I eventually got her to school. Then sat and sobbed, and sobbed. Today is our littlest birthday, today i got my golden boobs for breastfeeding for a year exclusively, Today i have to remind myself that I am a champion. For so many reasons other than i know.   That is my mantra so i continue to survive. So fed up of seeing posts on social media with “do you know how chuffing hard it is to be autistic, do you know the struggles we have” yes i effing well do, i am a researcher, seeker of knowledge, i know it all to well. Life is pretty shit for me too!! Living with autism is meh , tomorrow it may well be awesome