The possessed potato

My "so" called life

Optimistic about Autism?? — April 30, 2016

Optimistic about Autism??

I always wanted to be like my dad, or at very best meet a man who could fulfill the love I had for him as a child. It may just have been the fact he did not hit me, but nonetheless i felt that.

I remember the conversations of “you will understand when she is older” she is older, 13 now. At 13 I had been sexually abused and used so much, i thought i was loved if someone wanted to have sex with me. I now know that is child abuse. my therapy showed me that. something that taught me to over analyse everything………

My dad 8 years ago, told me I am too much of a pessimist and after my therapy that i analyse things far too much. So i tried to become the optimist he wanted me to be.

Trouble is optimism doesn’t work very well living here.

I was optimistic that when I dropped aspie man off at the doctors door, he would go in (not run out of the fire exit, 6 years ago, and me be too scared to be rejected to ask him what happened)

I was optimistic that when I finally got aspie man to a doctor, he would get a diagnosis. this part did happen.

I was optimistic that we would get support as a couple

I was optimistic that my family would be supportive

I was optimistic that channeling what energy I have left i put into helping aspie man

I was optimistic that aspie man would see the help i was giving him and how much i have carried and almost nurtured a 30 odd year old man, supporting him.

I was optimistic even when 18 months later aspie man has done nothing for himself

I was optimistic that I might get a “well done” for breastfeeding our fifth baby to now nearly 14 months old.

I was optimistic our daughter would get the support she needed and still needs.

Yesterday all the optimism i had left , went. I realised i have actually no one. i was ill, really ill, no deathly illness but i am a trooper and i saw that, my children are my helpers. I absolutely hate that. aspie man, cared more for himself and his job, even though he was ill himself and he doesnt seem to hate that?? Does he live in his own optimistic world, or do i create that optimstic world for him by facilitating all his needs, whilst barely any or mine are met?

I thank my dad for asking me to try a different approach to life, its given me the chance to try all sorts of ways with aspie man, unfortunately as the adage goes you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

I told aspie man the other day that it’s over that I was emotionally done, exhausted. his reaction. Answer phone to friend.

I am not optimistic anymore.

 

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That thing….. — April 9, 2016

That thing…..

Today , i got told that me and and our oldest have “that Thing”…….. by her dad. I cried and realised that “that Thing” is love amongst other things…….

Today was a great day, our “non” NT daughter had a party, was a fabulous day.

Today i realised that high functioning autism is not the end. Its bloody great, awesome even.

Today i told my other half that Thing he is missing out on is love and mutual respect.

Today i realised our 13 year old daughter has no realistic bond with her dad.

Today i accepted that my life is pretty much a myriad of messiness, literally and physically.

Today i saw that my 3 year old has his dads genetics, sensory overload to name but 1.

Today i felt comfort in a friend.

Today, our son asked why his dad is obsessed with lorries.

Today was stressful.

Today i didnt sleep last night.

Today, i am looking out for tomorrow.  blogface

Breakdowns, Bonds and Genetics — April 1, 2016

Breakdowns, Bonds and Genetics

Our 9 year old isn’t “officially” diagnosed, we went through the CASBA team assessments when she was 3 (uk), she also saw a clinical psych for one hour who, to be honest i felt led her answers.

She and i didn’t have the greatest start to mother daughter bonding, i had an emotional breakdown when she was born, she was nurtured, cared for but i felt empty and non attached up until she was 5 months old when i started psycho dynamic parent infant psychotherapy (therapy where the baby is in the room). I randomly fell upon a tv crew looking for mothers with attachment issues as my gp was useless and just wanted to dose me up with anti depressants (nothing against them, just knew some where in my darkest depths they would not work for me). Transpired i was right, as, my breakdown was due to my daughter being premature and very “needy” something i could not deal with due to having to be very self sufficient from a young age.  My mother was, and probably still is an alcoholic with a personality disorder and she mentally and physically abused me when her and my father split up, although even prior to that she was never a “loving” parent, i dont recall ever being kissed or cuddled or told i was loved by her, the best way i can describe her is cold. I have, thanks to therapy cut that vicious woman out of my life for good. It was very painful letting go of, and grieving for someone who is still alive, especially your mother.

Now this therapy was technically “private” even though it was made into a documentary, there are no records on my medical file…..

When our daughter was first seen by a paediatric consultant her automatic thought, from my observations (i was at the time a pre school supervisor who has done SENCO training) and our daughters nurseries observations (many issues whilst at nursery, thank god she went to a fantastic one, who “coped” with her beautifully, i recall crying on graduation day with the manager asking if she could just stay there, school would be too much for her to deal with!) was that aspergers was a definite possiblity. The twirling, walking on tip toes, obsessions with certain clothes and routine screaming if i went the “wrong way” to nursery on foot or in the car, the obsessive picking of scabs, toe and finger nails, sleeping roughly 3-4 hours a night to name but a few.

On the next meeting with this consultant we discussed general things like my daughters birth and any after effects. I proudly spurted out everything we had been through and over come together, 40 sessions of therapy over a year, but i must add that the bond was found and overwhelming less than 8 weeks into therapy, the rest of the sessions were myself dealing with my fraught, traumatic own childhood that i had buried for many many years.. I was and am so very proud of what i did, it wasn’t easy.

From that point on, it was never “openly” brought up by any professional we saw, but i knew from having gone through the natural guilt stage “is it me, something i did” that the proffs considered my daughters “issues” now to be attachment based… i have researched attachment theory, infact even before our daughters dealings with professionals i researched it for the SEN part of my supervisors training, so i am well versed on how it works. Our oldest daughter is 13 and through therapy i realised i had kept her at “arms length” as it were, so the attachment theory for my families dynamic just does not work.

We had a diagnosis of complex child, are not all children complex?

I wholeheartedly agree some children will have major problems if they feel no attachment and it is not dealt with. Ours was, very early on.

7 years later i have not revisited the said paediatrician as i have no faith in her whatsoever. But i will be, i have to.

Her father was diagnosed in march 2014. We have been together 15 years, he recognised at a seminar on ASD and aspergers in 2009 that the clinical psych running it could basically have written the whole seminar about him. I was so thankful he had seen that, as i saw it immediatly. I took me five years to get him to attend a gp for referal, the first appt i dropped him off and when i left he walked out the fire exit… classic social anxiety, not just a “man” thing it transpired..

We have 5 children together, and our soon to be 3 year old (tomorrow!) has massive spectrum traits, some serious SPD traits as well, also has a very bad sleep pattern (basically doesn’t sleep, very much like our daughter).  What do i do? Is a diagnosis for him important when i have no choice but to revisit someone i have no faith in, and she is my only “choice”??

It is clear to me that Autism is genetic, looking back at my partners family history it is obvious.  I was terrified when our 3rd was born, watched him like a hawk, little quirky bits but nothing as “extreme” then our 4th came along… He is so similar to our autie girl. But a totally different birth and bonding experience… she was born at 33 weeks emcs, he was born at home (planned) term…

I do hope i at some point manage to muster up the energy to go and ram my partners diagnosis up the paediatrician arse along with the diary i have kept for 8 years of our daughters “quirks and meltdowns” and the story of how it isnt crappy bonding that creates genetic differences it is just that, genetics…….. It should not be this way though that people like me have to fight to be heard, my daughter is only as well rounded as she is today thanks to me seeking knowledge on autism. She was sent to try me in the most marvellous sometimes horrendous ways. She is my autism awesome. She is why i am who i am today.