I always wanted to be like my dad, or at very best meet a man who could fulfill the love I had for him as a child. It may just have been the fact he did not hit me, but nonetheless i felt that.
I remember the conversations of “you will understand when she is older” she is older, 13 now. At 13 I had been sexually abused and used so much, i thought i was loved if someone wanted to have sex with me. I now know that is child abuse. my therapy showed me that. something that taught me to over analyse everything………
My dad 8 years ago, told me I am too much of a pessimist and after my therapy that i analyse things far too much. So i tried to become the optimist he wanted me to be.
Trouble is optimism doesn’t work very well living here.
I was optimistic that when I dropped aspie man off at the doctors door, he would go in (not run out of the fire exit, 6 years ago, and me be too scared to be rejected to ask him what happened)
I was optimistic that when I finally got aspie man to a doctor, he would get a diagnosis. this part did happen.
I was optimistic that we would get support as a couple
I was optimistic that my family would be supportive
I was optimistic that channeling what energy I have left i put into helping aspie man
I was optimistic that aspie man would see the help i was giving him and how much i have carried and almost nurtured a 30 odd year old man, supporting him.
I was optimistic even when 18 months later aspie man has done nothing for himself
I was optimistic that I might get a “well done” for breastfeeding our fifth baby to now nearly 14 months old.
I was optimistic our daughter would get the support she needed and still needs.
Yesterday all the optimism i had left , went. I realised i have actually no one. i was ill, really ill, no deathly illness but i am a trooper and i saw that, my children are my helpers. I absolutely hate that. aspie man, cared more for himself and his job, even though he was ill himself and he doesnt seem to hate that?? Does he live in his own optimistic world, or do i create that optimstic world for him by facilitating all his needs, whilst barely any or mine are met?
I thank my dad for asking me to try a different approach to life, its given me the chance to try all sorts of ways with aspie man, unfortunately as the adage goes you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
I told aspie man the other day that it’s over that I was emotionally done, exhausted. his reaction. Answer phone to friend.
I am not optimistic anymore.