The possessed potato

My "so" called life

A Letter to D — July 7, 2016

A Letter to D

 

This week I told you that from now on, it is time to act upon the fact I am unhappy. I have told you, kindly, politely that you need to do things for you, I have kindly and politely told you my needs. That this is about you showing me how much you are prepared to do/fight to keep us together as a couple.

Its now been three days since I said that, and so far I have had “well its money, I haven’t got any” or words to that effect. Yet again barriers put up by you. I’m not interested in barriers I told you. I think that fell on deaf ears too.

How long should I wait for some sign that you are going to step up? Going to leap up and realise that if you do nothing you lose me. perhaps losing me is what you need. Although I doubt that. Looking back over our years together you have done nothing to fight for me so why would I think you will now? I’m not sure really.  But I guess that shows my faith in change, a testament to my resilience, a testament to how much I care about us.

I also politely told you that your oldest daughter knows not to critique or upset you in a confrontational manner because she has seen how you react. And that you are stifling our emotions and that makes all of us sad.

That wasn’t enough to make a phone call or two, or use google for yourself.

I have carried you, i acknowledge that, to the extent you lean on me for everything, even the mundane. Trouble is I’m not a robot, and if i was i would be on the scrap heap right now.

You are capable, you even see that for yourself. When you tell me you would have to do things if we lived separately, it shows me you CAN do them, i am just allowing you to be lazy and disrespectful towards me and you are being massively disrespectful not seeing what a great person i am, or if you don’t think that, move on . And the point of this weeks revelation from me was to explain that that is not going to happen anymore. The only time we communicate is when i initiate it, or when you want an answer. Bit like our sexual relationship.

Its a sad shame that you do not see me for what i am. A great mom, a caring partner, an autism advocate who multi tasks autism and “normal” kids whilst juggling an autistic man whose only comment towards me about that fact was and still has been (pretty much) “there is nothing wrong with me, i don’t think i even have aspergers”

I am frightened of the future, but not for my kids, or their relationship with me, im frightened that once they all leave home, i will be more alone within our dynamic than i am now.  So yeah, maybe i am having a little midlife worry over what my future looks like, rightly so i would say.

And rather than appease my worry. You sit and do nothing.

You will still have issues parenting whether we are together or not, sometimes i wonder if you are deluded in that sense? That not being with me, suddenly you wont be falling asleep, leaving doors open, not understanding autism or sensory disorders. I know your excuse has been “well i will sleep all week” , sadly i have seen you have copious amounts of sleep and still not cope how you should.

It really isn’t that difficult to suck it up when it comes to you time, you were offered it. Truckfest. Even after you ignored me for 2 weeks with a then 3 week old breastfed baby and 4 other children. Not so much as a cup of tea was made for me and i am sure your pretty proud of the fact you admitted that, but sorry that shit doesnt leave someone without some action to the contrary, yet i still chose to give you a chance this year. You don’t like people knowing what a dick you can be as much as you don’t want people knowing you have aspergers. Are our children to grow up thinking that its shameful? Definitely not. That’s your issue. One you should want to deal with, as its a massive one. One i have tried to help you deal with but will not anymore.

I wanted answers as to why you are the way you are, when I got them and realised that certain things I may never get, it was a dark time for me. But I learned about it and got on with it, focusing on what you could do. You have not done the same.

I am not sad anymore; I’m not sure what I feel. Numb. Probably. The one thing I worked massively hard to overcome, that I now have reverted back to.

You have not supported me through some very tough times, in some respects I understand your limitations, but therein lays the key, I KNOW the limitations in general terms of those with an aspergers diagnosis. So when I take those into consideration, I still see how massively let down I have been by you, and even when pointed out to you. The effort isn’t there to make things right.

I’m not usually wrong; my prognosis is you can’t be bothered. Or perhaps I have helped you that much you expect me to be bothered for you. Unfortunately for you, that is not going to happen anymore. I want to grow old happy, not settling for someone I have taken years to understand, nurture and help. I did that for me and it was hard work, hence I am happy to be on my own if needs be as I worked hard to feel comfortable that way.

J’s issues, the meeting with the health visitor and the referral have shown me, along with you giving wizzle hugely contradictory parenting, that I am not going to parent you anymore. You are an adult, aspergers or not. It is time I took stock. When you know you are actually causing someone pain, you do something about it, especially when you have been given all the tools so that you can, and I have. Burying your head in the sand has fuck all to do with autism…………………. sand.jpg