The possessed potato

My "so" called life

The System is Down and its Toxic — March 7, 2017

The System is Down and its Toxic

I never knew I loved rock/death/that metally music until I met my (then un diagnosed)  aspie other half umpteen years ago, and its kind of grown on me.. Being classically trained my brain didn’t really want to make sense of this seemingly just noise based AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH stuff that was coming out of the speakers (old school, you know, a proper stereo, i am 38 so i have an excuse). I thought my eclectic mix of Wonderwall to the Spice Girls to Mozart was just perfect back in the day..

Once I really listened, like really listened to some of the lighter styles of stuff (think the likes of Metallicas “Nothing Else Matters” and Stainds “Its Been Awhile” I really began to hear things I hadn’t heard before, beat, drums, guitar, melody, lyrics… Actual music to my ears as it were.

I then moved onto some of the harder stuff. Machine Head for example, well, I never thought for one day that i would love any of that! But I do, and I now totally understand the words behind the songs, the beat, why this type of music full stop exists.. Everything it actually means and wants to say if you listen fully, take a step back and really HEAR it.

I have always used music to relate, equate, rationalise, cry to. Its my go to.  I was very open to change as well. Something I see so much the people I live with who are on the spectrum struggle with.  Looking back at my own kind of rigid thoughts about deathy rocky metal shows me that we all struggle at times with this kind of set in your ways attitude so why do certain professionals become that way too… Its almost like if your names not down you’re not coming in. Why is it called a Spectrum when there are boxes to tick and criteria to follow? Having one “obvious” child and one a little more complex this perplexes me wholly, along with how easy it was for my other half to get a diagnosis at the ripe old age of 35.

That professional who says your child is “fine” because they do not fit the “criteria”… I think they need to listen to some kind of music so outside their “box” just like i did, that they see and feel what I did when it clicked.. I don’t fit the criteria to like rocky deathy metally music, but I do.

The system is down all over the world when it comes to parents being heard about autism and sensory processing issues and it is so very toxic to every specific person dealing with it along with their families…..

We have to constantly fight, perhaps that is why the music clicked with me… as the AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH sound I used to hear from that music is all the noise I seem to want to make and have to make these days, both internally and externally when it comes to dealing with the tick box brigade..

When i get to rock bottom I listen to Rage Against the Machine Killing In the Name  *disclaimer i am NOT going to kill anyone….. this song reminds me alot of our demand avoidant daughter!!

The system needs to up its game so it isn’t toxic anymore….. it really is killing in the name of parents just so tired of being held at the master of puppets ball.

Nothing else matters but getting the support your child needs and knowing that there is someone out there that feels you, lives like you do sometimes and when it does get tough go listen to some AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH then start all over again 😉

 

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A Letter to D — July 7, 2016

A Letter to D

 

This week I told you that from now on, it is time to act upon the fact I am unhappy. I have told you, kindly, politely that you need to do things for you, I have kindly and politely told you my needs. That this is about you showing me how much you are prepared to do/fight to keep us together as a couple.

Its now been three days since I said that, and so far I have had “well its money, I haven’t got any” or words to that effect. Yet again barriers put up by you. I’m not interested in barriers I told you. I think that fell on deaf ears too.

How long should I wait for some sign that you are going to step up? Going to leap up and realise that if you do nothing you lose me. perhaps losing me is what you need. Although I doubt that. Looking back over our years together you have done nothing to fight for me so why would I think you will now? I’m not sure really.  But I guess that shows my faith in change, a testament to my resilience, a testament to how much I care about us.

I also politely told you that your oldest daughter knows not to critique or upset you in a confrontational manner because she has seen how you react. And that you are stifling our emotions and that makes all of us sad.

That wasn’t enough to make a phone call or two, or use google for yourself.

I have carried you, i acknowledge that, to the extent you lean on me for everything, even the mundane. Trouble is I’m not a robot, and if i was i would be on the scrap heap right now.

You are capable, you even see that for yourself. When you tell me you would have to do things if we lived separately, it shows me you CAN do them, i am just allowing you to be lazy and disrespectful towards me and you are being massively disrespectful not seeing what a great person i am, or if you don’t think that, move on . And the point of this weeks revelation from me was to explain that that is not going to happen anymore. The only time we communicate is when i initiate it, or when you want an answer. Bit like our sexual relationship.

Its a sad shame that you do not see me for what i am. A great mom, a caring partner, an autism advocate who multi tasks autism and “normal” kids whilst juggling an autistic man whose only comment towards me about that fact was and still has been (pretty much) “there is nothing wrong with me, i don’t think i even have aspergers”

I am frightened of the future, but not for my kids, or their relationship with me, im frightened that once they all leave home, i will be more alone within our dynamic than i am now.  So yeah, maybe i am having a little midlife worry over what my future looks like, rightly so i would say.

And rather than appease my worry. You sit and do nothing.

You will still have issues parenting whether we are together or not, sometimes i wonder if you are deluded in that sense? That not being with me, suddenly you wont be falling asleep, leaving doors open, not understanding autism or sensory disorders. I know your excuse has been “well i will sleep all week” , sadly i have seen you have copious amounts of sleep and still not cope how you should.

It really isn’t that difficult to suck it up when it comes to you time, you were offered it. Truckfest. Even after you ignored me for 2 weeks with a then 3 week old breastfed baby and 4 other children. Not so much as a cup of tea was made for me and i am sure your pretty proud of the fact you admitted that, but sorry that shit doesnt leave someone without some action to the contrary, yet i still chose to give you a chance this year. You don’t like people knowing what a dick you can be as much as you don’t want people knowing you have aspergers. Are our children to grow up thinking that its shameful? Definitely not. That’s your issue. One you should want to deal with, as its a massive one. One i have tried to help you deal with but will not anymore.

I wanted answers as to why you are the way you are, when I got them and realised that certain things I may never get, it was a dark time for me. But I learned about it and got on with it, focusing on what you could do. You have not done the same.

I am not sad anymore; I’m not sure what I feel. Numb. Probably. The one thing I worked massively hard to overcome, that I now have reverted back to.

You have not supported me through some very tough times, in some respects I understand your limitations, but therein lays the key, I KNOW the limitations in general terms of those with an aspergers diagnosis. So when I take those into consideration, I still see how massively let down I have been by you, and even when pointed out to you. The effort isn’t there to make things right.

I’m not usually wrong; my prognosis is you can’t be bothered. Or perhaps I have helped you that much you expect me to be bothered for you. Unfortunately for you, that is not going to happen anymore. I want to grow old happy, not settling for someone I have taken years to understand, nurture and help. I did that for me and it was hard work, hence I am happy to be on my own if needs be as I worked hard to feel comfortable that way.

J’s issues, the meeting with the health visitor and the referral have shown me, along with you giving wizzle hugely contradictory parenting, that I am not going to parent you anymore. You are an adult, aspergers or not. It is time I took stock. When you know you are actually causing someone pain, you do something about it, especially when you have been given all the tools so that you can, and I have. Burying your head in the sand has fuck all to do with autism…………………. sand.jpg

What is blood, baby don’t hurt me — May 28, 2016

What is blood, baby don’t hurt me

Why does a blood relation to someone tie you to them? why do any of us strive to keep up relationships with blood relations, that are, sometimes utterly toxic.

Because, the blood that binds you, keeps you there. For me, even though my dad said and still says i am a pessimist (perhaps because he does not acknowledge my abuse in the way i hoped he would) i believe that i actually was an optimist growing up with an abusive alcoholic mother. a broken home, and sexual abuse.

Through therapy i realised that blood does not bind you to someone. If they hurt you, the do not deserve your optimism that things may change and you also should never waste the years i did trying to reform that relationship through guilt. The guilt that was projected on to me has never left me. ever.

Today i watched our oldest two, one NT and one ASD spent some quality time together, i had lost all hope, because ASD daughter created memories for her NT sister that weren’t exactly good growing up.

Tomorrow they may never speak again, that would not upset me. I do not speak to my sister because, well she has not had therapy. We tried. It did not work. At the time i was devastated, still am a little but i understand why. She copes her way , i coped my way. One thing is though for my absent sister, she had me every step of her horrible journey, i have not had the same returned to me.

I hope that through my parenting my girls and boys will know that its ok to be pretty f====d off with your siblings and actually want to punch them from time to time. and if they grow up to hate each other i wont be saying “what about my 60th birthday, what if we have a party” as , lets face it with a house ruled by autism, who wants a chuffin birthday party. ive been engaged 12 years, and only engaged because i told aspie man to ask me, gave him tools. We only have five kids because i went there. Autism life. I hope one day someone that loves me tells me they are proud of me. Because i need that.

I wish i was parenting with aspie man, but he doesn’t parent the way “normal” people do. He isn’t blood to me either, but when you love someone you love them. aspie man keeps his family on speed dial, incase i ever kick him out.

Bottom line, its extremely painful to cut someone out of your life that is blood related for an NT person. for an high functioning child its just a laugh…..  the day aspie dad collapsed in ikea, aspie child went off and had great fun, nt daughter was distraught

 

 

Optimistic about Autism?? — April 30, 2016

Optimistic about Autism??

I always wanted to be like my dad, or at very best meet a man who could fulfill the love I had for him as a child. It may just have been the fact he did not hit me, but nonetheless i felt that.

I remember the conversations of “you will understand when she is older” she is older, 13 now. At 13 I had been sexually abused and used so much, i thought i was loved if someone wanted to have sex with me. I now know that is child abuse. my therapy showed me that. something that taught me to over analyse everything………

My dad 8 years ago, told me I am too much of a pessimist and after my therapy that i analyse things far too much. So i tried to become the optimist he wanted me to be.

Trouble is optimism doesn’t work very well living here.

I was optimistic that when I dropped aspie man off at the doctors door, he would go in (not run out of the fire exit, 6 years ago, and me be too scared to be rejected to ask him what happened)

I was optimistic that when I finally got aspie man to a doctor, he would get a diagnosis. this part did happen.

I was optimistic that we would get support as a couple

I was optimistic that my family would be supportive

I was optimistic that channeling what energy I have left i put into helping aspie man

I was optimistic that aspie man would see the help i was giving him and how much i have carried and almost nurtured a 30 odd year old man, supporting him.

I was optimistic even when 18 months later aspie man has done nothing for himself

I was optimistic that I might get a “well done” for breastfeeding our fifth baby to now nearly 14 months old.

I was optimistic our daughter would get the support she needed and still needs.

Yesterday all the optimism i had left , went. I realised i have actually no one. i was ill, really ill, no deathly illness but i am a trooper and i saw that, my children are my helpers. I absolutely hate that. aspie man, cared more for himself and his job, even though he was ill himself and he doesnt seem to hate that?? Does he live in his own optimistic world, or do i create that optimstic world for him by facilitating all his needs, whilst barely any or mine are met?

I thank my dad for asking me to try a different approach to life, its given me the chance to try all sorts of ways with aspie man, unfortunately as the adage goes you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

I told aspie man the other day that it’s over that I was emotionally done, exhausted. his reaction. Answer phone to friend.

I am not optimistic anymore.

 

That thing….. — April 9, 2016

That thing…..

Today , i got told that me and and our oldest have “that Thing”…….. by her dad. I cried and realised that “that Thing” is love amongst other things…….

Today was a great day, our “non” NT daughter had a party, was a fabulous day.

Today i realised that high functioning autism is not the end. Its bloody great, awesome even.

Today i told my other half that Thing he is missing out on is love and mutual respect.

Today i realised our 13 year old daughter has no realistic bond with her dad.

Today i accepted that my life is pretty much a myriad of messiness, literally and physically.

Today i saw that my 3 year old has his dads genetics, sensory overload to name but 1.

Today i felt comfort in a friend.

Today, our son asked why his dad is obsessed with lorries.

Today was stressful.

Today i didnt sleep last night.

Today, i am looking out for tomorrow.  blogface

Trust — March 30, 2016

Trust

Following on from the last blog of mine… Down, trodden on, sad…… (I am)

This weekend my 30 something late diagnosed man, offered to take me out.

My first thoughts, “why” “has he seen the blog” “has someone told him”.

See i do not trust the man i live with, after toasterfiregate, itwillbeyourfaulticrashedthelorrygate and many more , i have zero trust for the man i love and share my children with. I HATE that the trust is not there, what i hate more is the fact i am supposed to continue to summon up trust at will, for when Aspie man hurts me. I trust him not to cheat on me, some would say that is all it takes. I say it isnt, when you entrust your child to your own partner/husband/signficant other, you should not worry anymore than is the “norm”.

Here is a social story for you i put to him, when someone comes up and punches you in the face, says sorry they wont do it again, you forgive them, then they do it again, you forgive them, those are my emotions you are punching and it kills me inside all the time. That is my life with adult autism.

My own mother betrayed the ultimate trust. Yet i still went back for more hurt, year after year. Therapy stopped that for me at 28 years of age. I have been diagnosed with depression, will therapy show me i need to stop this relationship with my ASD partner of many many years and five babies……. I already have anxiety thanks to toastergate alongside other things.

Autism is not scary to the Autistic in my house, my children on the spectrum are loved and cared for and nurtured by a devoted mom, their dad is carried by me. Who carries me?? I am not a heartless fucker, never will be. This is about me being real about the true life of someone living with a late diagnosed man. Its fucking tough.

What i would love to write is we had a lovely time (we actually did have a lovely chinese, out of the house for under two hours, i came home and boobed baby back to sleep, he snored) yet i find myself so angry with him, for all he hasnt done, that i could not really enjoy the time away, and that to me is perfectly natural, yet to him, well it would be like saying sausage dogs love eggs for breakfast……

Not really sure if autism is meh or awesome right now. blog