The possessed potato

My "so" called life

The System is Down and its Toxic — March 7, 2017

The System is Down and its Toxic

I never knew I loved rock/death/that metally music until I met my (then un diagnosed)  aspie other half umpteen years ago, and its kind of grown on me.. Being classically trained my brain didn’t really want to make sense of this seemingly just noise based AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH stuff that was coming out of the speakers (old school, you know, a proper stereo, i am 38 so i have an excuse). I thought my eclectic mix of Wonderwall to the Spice Girls to Mozart was just perfect back in the day..

Once I really listened, like really listened to some of the lighter styles of stuff (think the likes of Metallicas “Nothing Else Matters” and Stainds “Its Been Awhile” I really began to hear things I hadn’t heard before, beat, drums, guitar, melody, lyrics… Actual music to my ears as it were.

I then moved onto some of the harder stuff. Machine Head for example, well, I never thought for one day that i would love any of that! But I do, and I now totally understand the words behind the songs, the beat, why this type of music full stop exists.. Everything it actually means and wants to say if you listen fully, take a step back and really HEAR it.

I have always used music to relate, equate, rationalise, cry to. Its my go to.  I was very open to change as well. Something I see so much the people I live with who are on the spectrum struggle with.  Looking back at my own kind of rigid thoughts about deathy rocky metal shows me that we all struggle at times with this kind of set in your ways attitude so why do certain professionals become that way too… Its almost like if your names not down you’re not coming in. Why is it called a Spectrum when there are boxes to tick and criteria to follow? Having one “obvious” child and one a little more complex this perplexes me wholly, along with how easy it was for my other half to get a diagnosis at the ripe old age of 35.

That professional who says your child is “fine” because they do not fit the “criteria”… I think they need to listen to some kind of music so outside their “box” just like i did, that they see and feel what I did when it clicked.. I don’t fit the criteria to like rocky deathy metally music, but I do.

The system is down all over the world when it comes to parents being heard about autism and sensory processing issues and it is so very toxic to every specific person dealing with it along with their families…..

We have to constantly fight, perhaps that is why the music clicked with me… as the AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH sound I used to hear from that music is all the noise I seem to want to make and have to make these days, both internally and externally when it comes to dealing with the tick box brigade..

When i get to rock bottom I listen to Rage Against the Machine Killing In the Name  *disclaimer i am NOT going to kill anyone….. this song reminds me alot of our demand avoidant daughter!!

The system needs to up its game so it isn’t toxic anymore….. it really is killing in the name of parents just so tired of being held at the master of puppets ball.

Nothing else matters but getting the support your child needs and knowing that there is someone out there that feels you, lives like you do sometimes and when it does get tough go listen to some AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH then start all over again 😉

 

maxresdefault.jpg

 

Advertisements
What is blood, baby don’t hurt me — May 28, 2016

What is blood, baby don’t hurt me

Why does a blood relation to someone tie you to them? why do any of us strive to keep up relationships with blood relations, that are, sometimes utterly toxic.

Because, the blood that binds you, keeps you there. For me, even though my dad said and still says i am a pessimist (perhaps because he does not acknowledge my abuse in the way i hoped he would) i believe that i actually was an optimist growing up with an abusive alcoholic mother. a broken home, and sexual abuse.

Through therapy i realised that blood does not bind you to someone. If they hurt you, the do not deserve your optimism that things may change and you also should never waste the years i did trying to reform that relationship through guilt. The guilt that was projected on to me has never left me. ever.

Today i watched our oldest two, one NT and one ASD spent some quality time together, i had lost all hope, because ASD daughter created memories for her NT sister that weren’t exactly good growing up.

Tomorrow they may never speak again, that would not upset me. I do not speak to my sister because, well she has not had therapy. We tried. It did not work. At the time i was devastated, still am a little but i understand why. She copes her way , i coped my way. One thing is though for my absent sister, she had me every step of her horrible journey, i have not had the same returned to me.

I hope that through my parenting my girls and boys will know that its ok to be pretty f====d off with your siblings and actually want to punch them from time to time. and if they grow up to hate each other i wont be saying “what about my 60th birthday, what if we have a party” as , lets face it with a house ruled by autism, who wants a chuffin birthday party. ive been engaged 12 years, and only engaged because i told aspie man to ask me, gave him tools. We only have five kids because i went there. Autism life. I hope one day someone that loves me tells me they are proud of me. Because i need that.

I wish i was parenting with aspie man, but he doesn’t parent the way “normal” people do. He isn’t blood to me either, but when you love someone you love them. aspie man keeps his family on speed dial, incase i ever kick him out.

Bottom line, its extremely painful to cut someone out of your life that is blood related for an NT person. for an high functioning child its just a laugh…..  the day aspie dad collapsed in ikea, aspie child went off and had great fun, nt daughter was distraught

 

 

Trust — March 30, 2016

Trust

Following on from the last blog of mine… Down, trodden on, sad…… (I am)

This weekend my 30 something late diagnosed man, offered to take me out.

My first thoughts, “why” “has he seen the blog” “has someone told him”.

See i do not trust the man i live with, after toasterfiregate, itwillbeyourfaulticrashedthelorrygate and many more , i have zero trust for the man i love and share my children with. I HATE that the trust is not there, what i hate more is the fact i am supposed to continue to summon up trust at will, for when Aspie man hurts me. I trust him not to cheat on me, some would say that is all it takes. I say it isnt, when you entrust your child to your own partner/husband/signficant other, you should not worry anymore than is the “norm”.

Here is a social story for you i put to him, when someone comes up and punches you in the face, says sorry they wont do it again, you forgive them, then they do it again, you forgive them, those are my emotions you are punching and it kills me inside all the time. That is my life with adult autism.

My own mother betrayed the ultimate trust. Yet i still went back for more hurt, year after year. Therapy stopped that for me at 28 years of age. I have been diagnosed with depression, will therapy show me i need to stop this relationship with my ASD partner of many many years and five babies……. I already have anxiety thanks to toastergate alongside other things.

Autism is not scary to the Autistic in my house, my children on the spectrum are loved and cared for and nurtured by a devoted mom, their dad is carried by me. Who carries me?? I am not a heartless fucker, never will be. This is about me being real about the true life of someone living with a late diagnosed man. Its fucking tough.

What i would love to write is we had a lovely time (we actually did have a lovely chinese, out of the house for under two hours, i came home and boobed baby back to sleep, he snored) yet i find myself so angry with him, for all he hasnt done, that i could not really enjoy the time away, and that to me is perfectly natural, yet to him, well it would be like saying sausage dogs love eggs for breakfast……

Not really sure if autism is meh or awesome right now. blog

 

This Is Me — March 15, 2016

This Is Me

I am actually so fucking pissed off today , this blog is about me and all the ass holes that live in my town, that know fuck all, that treat me like shit (because I let them!)

When I am pregnant, I am happy, that is me at my best. Some people do not deserve to even spawn… When i am breastfeeding that’s a whole other story! Today, my homebirth love was tested.

Dont ever test that. If I am coming to you with love, however it comes and you say bad things to me, I will not forgive you (again) .I spend my life forgiving and forgetting for the people I love, the people around me.

To the person that “dissed me fam” as my daughter would say. Go fuck yourself, I say.

Let me tell you this fuckwits of my town, the only reason my man still lives here, and i can not get him out is because he has aspergers. He has a reason, a genuine reason to still be in this poxy town full of people that think their life revolves around everyone elses issues!! I personally have never gone in for “gossip”, that is probably why i do not fit in here… and probably why on some levels me and my aspie partner have been together so long, as he is just the same.

I am not like the usual suspects. I speak my mind, tell the truth. The last two days have shown me that people are just c==ts……

I would love to say i will never be nice again to someone that has hurt me, but I cant do that. I am nice, lovely, caring, compassionate, and lots of things that I dont get told alot by the auties in my house, so i have to remind myself.

Trouble is some believe that hiding from their “truth” is easier than facing their foibles.. I accept all of mine, own them and have tried to deal with every single one. I have been through every abuse going, had major therapy , that I had to deal with c==ts taking the piss out off, or bringing up in every random argument my “tv debut”, showing my “failing” I know i havent failed, thats why i try. i really wish i didnt some days as today for me, im broken a little bit more, and i am not sure how much more there is to break.

One thing i will say as a positive of living and learning through autism in my family, has made me thicker skinned than i used to be, things may temporarily break me, i may come across at times as uber sensitive, but i am a survivor in many senses of the word.

Today, well its been shit.

Teeth, Birthdays and Boobs — March 9, 2016

Teeth, Birthdays and Boobs

Today, well what can i say, our littlest persons 1st birthday, i reminisced at 5am, posted on fb at 6am with flashback pics of a fabulous homebirth and a tiny squidge, by 9am i was a crying wreck in the outhouse of our home.

toothbrush-clipart-black-and-white-purple-toothbrush-hi

8am i call the others “time to get up for school” (the Tasmanian devil aka as the 2 year old was already up at this point, suspect he has his fathers genetics but alot of mine too so i am hoping he grows up to be some kind of half hearted genius).

The “asd” possibly with “pda” child ignored the call, her aspie father commented he thought it would be tricky to get her up today?! was he actually visualising a scene or had he just seen me rant about it that much he got it for once…. either way the morning ensued as he had predicted.

“go brush your teeth love” stands with muted silence, my darling ASD daughter only got out of bed coerced with brotherly birthday love on my part. getting dressed is now not the issue (i have learned ways to deal with ASD on that front) , personal hygiene on the other hand well, both hands need washing and she wants to wash neither, or her teeth or wear deodorant or generally from an NT kind of persons stance “give a shit about being clean” no amount of reward charts, positive reinforcement, and even “kids will bloody bully you if you’re breath stinks” works……

My beautiful daughter , this morning fell into that zone of being a mute wreck. Not ONE person teaches you how to deal with this, not one. I eventually got her to school. Then sat and sobbed, and sobbed. Today is our littlest birthday, today i got my golden boobs for breastfeeding for a year exclusively, Today i have to remind myself that I am a champion. For so many reasons other than i know.   That is my mantra so i continue to survive. So fed up of seeing posts on social media with “do you know how chuffing hard it is to be autistic, do you know the struggles we have” yes i effing well do, i am a researcher, seeker of knowledge, i know it all to well. Life is pretty shit for me too!! Living with autism is meh , tomorrow it may well be awesome

 

Running Up That Hill — February 29, 2016

Running Up That Hill

On good days I pretend to myself that I was sent an autistic family (partner and children, 2 out of 5, so far…) to challenge me, that I am some kind of “empowered being” that someone out there or up there or where bloody ever, thought I could cope and should do so… and I do cope, but somedays that is all I do.

On bad days well anything and everything goes, emotion wise. I would happily choose at times to sit and silently scream and i have been known to wander off alone to a quiet field and actually loudly scream , and sob and think whoever the twat was that decided i needed this type of stress should be shot.

There is always lots of talk on social media these days about autism, but I don’t feel I ever see the true nit grit shit of it from a parents perspective. I have never seen it from a partners perspective who is in my kind of shoes either ( significant other diagnosed at 35 after us being together 15 years)

I am not one to subscribe to the “see it all as an optimist” kind of thing. If its shit, and its going to get shitter, then i will see it, will say it and will shout loudly about just how shit it is right at that moment. I’ve tried being an optimist, it just doesn’t work for me…

I do get the funny times, the literal sense of humour i see within my asd family sometimes has me crying tears of laughter, but the tears i cry of sadness do outweigh those times, most of the time.

I spent alot of my childhood, stoic, holding everything in emotionally (had too, more to come on that front!) so for me this new coming of age crying and letting out the pain of living with autism, has been a tough road so far.

And that is what it is a tough, tough road. That is definitely not all about my kids “special talents” or my partners “amazing lorry knowledge” . This is for all of us who feel like running up that hill and screaming… circa kate bush. running_up_that_hill_video

Today Autism is meh to be frank, tomorrow it may well be awesome………..

 

POSSESSED POTATO!!! — February 19, 2016

POSSESSED POTATO!!!

 

This isnt going to be all spooky shit, i promise but i have to start with the possessed potato….

Two days ago , my cool as shizzle 13 year old daughter asked me if i knew what the funny potato video was, now me, 37, 5 kids, man with autism kids with autism. I am not down with the times right now, but i said “yassss, of course i have seen it, show me again” .

She showed me, funny as fuck . She then proceeded to video herself throwing a potato through our bifolds whilst saying ” a potato flew around the room”. Well, i laughed as only i could, being all down with the teenagers.

I have toyed with having a blog for a while, some say im funny on fb (who fucking isn’t, my fb is full of “funny” people!) toyed about sharing my life, lots of people have told me over the years to write a book, er no, too much hassle, too scary? probably both!

Anyway, back to potatogate. Teenager goes off to bed, i sit down for a glass of wine and catching up with real knobheads of every country, or should that be county… i need a top up, off i head to the fridge.  We have an all singing , all dancing fridge, gives you ice , water everything. It never dances to my tune though, whenever i want ice it goes “fuck you bitch!” and just clogs up.

I return to my seat to find a potato on the settee, exactly where i was sat. Now i know i have a massive floppy arse (thanks child number 2) but i am pretty sure i would have known if i was sat on a potato.