The possessed potato

My "so" called life

A Letter to D — July 7, 2016

A Letter to D

 

This week I told you that from now on, it is time to act upon the fact I am unhappy. I have told you, kindly, politely that you need to do things for you, I have kindly and politely told you my needs. That this is about you showing me how much you are prepared to do/fight to keep us together as a couple.

Its now been three days since I said that, and so far I have had “well its money, I haven’t got any” or words to that effect. Yet again barriers put up by you. I’m not interested in barriers I told you. I think that fell on deaf ears too.

How long should I wait for some sign that you are going to step up? Going to leap up and realise that if you do nothing you lose me. perhaps losing me is what you need. Although I doubt that. Looking back over our years together you have done nothing to fight for me so why would I think you will now? I’m not sure really.  But I guess that shows my faith in change, a testament to my resilience, a testament to how much I care about us.

I also politely told you that your oldest daughter knows not to critique or upset you in a confrontational manner because she has seen how you react. And that you are stifling our emotions and that makes all of us sad.

That wasn’t enough to make a phone call or two, or use google for yourself.

I have carried you, i acknowledge that, to the extent you lean on me for everything, even the mundane. Trouble is I’m not a robot, and if i was i would be on the scrap heap right now.

You are capable, you even see that for yourself. When you tell me you would have to do things if we lived separately, it shows me you CAN do them, i am just allowing you to be lazy and disrespectful towards me and you are being massively disrespectful not seeing what a great person i am, or if you don’t think that, move on . And the point of this weeks revelation from me was to explain that that is not going to happen anymore. The only time we communicate is when i initiate it, or when you want an answer. Bit like our sexual relationship.

Its a sad shame that you do not see me for what i am. A great mom, a caring partner, an autism advocate who multi tasks autism and “normal” kids whilst juggling an autistic man whose only comment towards me about that fact was and still has been (pretty much) “there is nothing wrong with me, i don’t think i even have aspergers”

I am frightened of the future, but not for my kids, or their relationship with me, im frightened that once they all leave home, i will be more alone within our dynamic than i am now.  So yeah, maybe i am having a little midlife worry over what my future looks like, rightly so i would say.

And rather than appease my worry. You sit and do nothing.

You will still have issues parenting whether we are together or not, sometimes i wonder if you are deluded in that sense? That not being with me, suddenly you wont be falling asleep, leaving doors open, not understanding autism or sensory disorders. I know your excuse has been “well i will sleep all week” , sadly i have seen you have copious amounts of sleep and still not cope how you should.

It really isn’t that difficult to suck it up when it comes to you time, you were offered it. Truckfest. Even after you ignored me for 2 weeks with a then 3 week old breastfed baby and 4 other children. Not so much as a cup of tea was made for me and i am sure your pretty proud of the fact you admitted that, but sorry that shit doesnt leave someone without some action to the contrary, yet i still chose to give you a chance this year. You don’t like people knowing what a dick you can be as much as you don’t want people knowing you have aspergers. Are our children to grow up thinking that its shameful? Definitely not. That’s your issue. One you should want to deal with, as its a massive one. One i have tried to help you deal with but will not anymore.

I wanted answers as to why you are the way you are, when I got them and realised that certain things I may never get, it was a dark time for me. But I learned about it and got on with it, focusing on what you could do. You have not done the same.

I am not sad anymore; I’m not sure what I feel. Numb. Probably. The one thing I worked massively hard to overcome, that I now have reverted back to.

You have not supported me through some very tough times, in some respects I understand your limitations, but therein lays the key, I KNOW the limitations in general terms of those with an aspergers diagnosis. So when I take those into consideration, I still see how massively let down I have been by you, and even when pointed out to you. The effort isn’t there to make things right.

I’m not usually wrong; my prognosis is you can’t be bothered. Or perhaps I have helped you that much you expect me to be bothered for you. Unfortunately for you, that is not going to happen anymore. I want to grow old happy, not settling for someone I have taken years to understand, nurture and help. I did that for me and it was hard work, hence I am happy to be on my own if needs be as I worked hard to feel comfortable that way.

J’s issues, the meeting with the health visitor and the referral have shown me, along with you giving wizzle hugely contradictory parenting, that I am not going to parent you anymore. You are an adult, aspergers or not. It is time I took stock. When you know you are actually causing someone pain, you do something about it, especially when you have been given all the tools so that you can, and I have. Burying your head in the sand has fuck all to do with autism…………………. sand.jpg

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That thing….. — April 9, 2016

That thing…..

Today , i got told that me and and our oldest have “that Thing”…….. by her dad. I cried and realised that “that Thing” is love amongst other things…….

Today was a great day, our “non” NT daughter had a party, was a fabulous day.

Today i realised that high functioning autism is not the end. Its bloody great, awesome even.

Today i told my other half that Thing he is missing out on is love and mutual respect.

Today i realised our 13 year old daughter has no realistic bond with her dad.

Today i accepted that my life is pretty much a myriad of messiness, literally and physically.

Today i saw that my 3 year old has his dads genetics, sensory overload to name but 1.

Today i felt comfort in a friend.

Today, our son asked why his dad is obsessed with lorries.

Today was stressful.

Today i didnt sleep last night.

Today, i am looking out for tomorrow.  blogface

Trust — March 30, 2016

Trust

Following on from the last blog of mine… Down, trodden on, sad…… (I am)

This weekend my 30 something late diagnosed man, offered to take me out.

My first thoughts, “why” “has he seen the blog” “has someone told him”.

See i do not trust the man i live with, after toasterfiregate, itwillbeyourfaulticrashedthelorrygate and many more , i have zero trust for the man i love and share my children with. I HATE that the trust is not there, what i hate more is the fact i am supposed to continue to summon up trust at will, for when Aspie man hurts me. I trust him not to cheat on me, some would say that is all it takes. I say it isnt, when you entrust your child to your own partner/husband/signficant other, you should not worry anymore than is the “norm”.

Here is a social story for you i put to him, when someone comes up and punches you in the face, says sorry they wont do it again, you forgive them, then they do it again, you forgive them, those are my emotions you are punching and it kills me inside all the time. That is my life with adult autism.

My own mother betrayed the ultimate trust. Yet i still went back for more hurt, year after year. Therapy stopped that for me at 28 years of age. I have been diagnosed with depression, will therapy show me i need to stop this relationship with my ASD partner of many many years and five babies……. I already have anxiety thanks to toastergate alongside other things.

Autism is not scary to the Autistic in my house, my children on the spectrum are loved and cared for and nurtured by a devoted mom, their dad is carried by me. Who carries me?? I am not a heartless fucker, never will be. This is about me being real about the true life of someone living with a late diagnosed man. Its fucking tough.

What i would love to write is we had a lovely time (we actually did have a lovely chinese, out of the house for under two hours, i came home and boobed baby back to sleep, he snored) yet i find myself so angry with him, for all he hasnt done, that i could not really enjoy the time away, and that to me is perfectly natural, yet to him, well it would be like saying sausage dogs love eggs for breakfast……

Not really sure if autism is meh or awesome right now. blog